Notes from the Under...stimulated

EVERYONE (ANYONE?): please visit this site. please install lockers. please. pls.  pls.  TAKE A BITE OUTTA CRIME.

TIBURON LOCKERS

Punch Buggy...I'm back

I have a new job, a new camera, soon a new apartment, a new car, a new...FIANCE.  So i thought I'd try this old thing blogging again just to have some stability.  But instead of writing, i've decided i am going to easy back in with the help of some beetles. Some mexican beetles. tell it to the mariachis if you don't like it.  aye ayyyyeee aye aye.

It's 7:48am, do you know where your sense of apprpriate humor is?

...because I don't.

CONVO I HAD THIS MORNING:
GUY ON THE PHONE: well, it's finally Friday!
ME: Yeah dude, how was your first week back from vaca? Hard?
GUY: Oh man. So tough, I have SUCH a hard time with re-entry!
ME: You and the Columbia Shuttles...
(10 FULL SECONDS OF SILENCE)
GUY: Anyway...

I think i could make a few bolivars selling these on the calle in CARACAS, don't you?

AND THEN I'M GOOONA GO AN' BUY ME AN INFLATABLE DOLL TO TAKE TO THE PROM...HAHAHAHHAHA.

so. i signed up for this credit card. and i thought i'd have no problem getting said credit card.  i make a good salary. have never been in debt. shouldn't have any Credit Events to mar my relatively short credit history.  but no. citibank denied me. and because my "total credit obligations (which include outstanding credit card lines) when compared to my stated income, are too high to meet [their] approval guidlines."

in this environement where anyone's a potential terrorist and we have no privacy and companies will sell your personal information for a dime and a piece of gum, THE ONLY REASON I COULD HAVE TOO MANY OUTSTANDING LINES OF CREDIT IS THAT MY IDENTITY HAD BEEN STOLEN! ('who am i? where's my identity? is it in my pocket? NO! someone took it?!!!!") at any rate, in between heart attacks 4 and 5, this is the reasonable conclusion i jump to. and i immediately pony up the dough to check out my credit report online.  i'm a little nervous when they ask me to verify my [recently stolen] identity by giving the zip codes for some of my past addresses and one of my past addresses is in Wyoming. ("have i ever even BEEN to wyoming, forget live there? i don't remember because my IDENTITY HAS BEEN STOLEN!") finally i prove that it is indeed I, she of stolen identity, or at least the me that was before i became a cattle farmer in wyoming...and they're right. i do have a ton of lines of credit. credit cards with $50k limits.  balances of thousands of dollars on my multiple credit cards.  i mean, i must because that's what the credit report is telling me... so i have about 15 more heart attacks (the number of heart attacks now commensurate with the amount of debt my new identity is in.) i am trying to figure out what to do.  to understand how i could have had this one credit card since 1994.  why it says i have an american express card... "i've never had an american express card! only my parents had an american express ca- WAIT. ONLY MY PARENTS HAD AN AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD. AND MULTIPLE LINES OF CREDIT. AND CHARGE THINGS LIKE COLLEGE TUITION ON CREDIT CARDS TO GET MILES AND THUS HAVE HUGE LINES OF CREDIT. ONLY. MY. PARENTS. ONLY MY PARENTS WOULD RUIN MY CREDIT THROUGH YEARS OF RUNNING HIGH CREDIT CARD DEBT. sobsobsob.")

so. anyway. short story long, i guess i won't be getting that year of 0% financing on all purchases, but at least my identity as the child of fiscally irresponsible parents is intact. phew!*

*it's gonna be a creaky start back up here, so bear with me as i get my "sea legs".  "b legs"? meh. whatever.

WHAT A BETTER WAY TO RETURN THAN TO MOCK, MOCK AND MOCK SOME MORE?

so. i'm not going to pretend like i'm going to post regularly. or often. or even ever. but, since it's a slow tuesday afternoon in August and Greenspan just raised rates and so much shite's happened since last time i posted (including a Chinese Renminbi revaluation...ACE) that i won't even attempt to get up to speed. i'm guessing Jamie Gleischer's still fat and unhappy, the Canadians are still worthy of being made fun of, and someone somewhere is saying something horrifyingly stupid.

In lieu of saying any of the above... i'll say check out Dodong online. she looks hottt.

"If I had 70 cents for everytime I heard that... I'd be in Canada."*

UPDATE: The plural of ski is spelled skis.  that is not as fun to type as skiis.  plus, the "ii" look like ski[i]s.  like it or leave it people.

i got the best bloomberg today**. this french canadian dude (homme) was saying that some trade was awesome (magnifique); so good, in fact, it was the "greatest thing since... carving skiis."  now.  i'm no awesome-ologist, but i can think of a couple of things that are better than carving skiis.  i understand sliced bread's not all that special either, but even that's better than carving skiis.  mainly because i don't know what carving skiis are.  although, i guess it'd be pretty cool if you could actually carve with carving skiis.  now that i'm really thinking about it, maybe the phrase for the best thing EVER in recent history should just be "this is the greatest [fill in the blank] since bread sliced by carving skiis."

ahhh. now i just need to sit back and watch this filter into Canuck-US vernacular.  take that william saffire, eh?

*seeing how I work in FX/finance, i feel compelled to be slightly more rigorous and point out that the recent rally in the loonie has effectively changed this statment to "if i had 81.67 cents for everytime i heard that..." but a) 80 cents on the dollar is getting closer and closer to just being a dollar, and there's no way someone would give you a nickel for every time you heard that (whatever "that" may be), so there's just no way they'd give you eighty-fucking-cents, my friend.  get over yourself. jeez.  you're not right that often, so stop rubbing it in. and, b) who wants to think about a world where a currency refered to as The Loonie is at parity with the "Strong is the New Weak" US Dollar?

**the best bloomberg since....well, since bloomberg became the first mayor whose name is also a verb.

Crack crack crackity jones

OK. i have to take a poll (Tron and I are curious):

What would your guess be for the current street value of a vile of crack (based off Brooklyn prices)?  "Offer me one vile of crack, if you will..."

Honestly. Post your guesses below.

<PERU PICS AND STORIES COMING... STAY TUNED!>

ALSO! A NEW MANGLED IDIOM: #473, the dirtiest one yet! "Everyone in their mother is doing it"

Temporary Hiatus Status... Enacted

A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY

OR: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB. THE AGE BOMB.  26 OF THEM.

first of all, i'd like to say that while this site has been on hiatus, it's only a temporary hiatus, so bear with me for further updates, we appreciate your patience.  we being me.  but whatever.

secondly: NERD ALERT!  I am in a bookclub.  The bookclub's name is The Hardcovers.  We have started a bookclub blog.  it's nothing much, and i mean, i don't want to rival myself, but i would be remiss (or remised as a one Kwame Jackson said in an evite a long, long time ago in a galaxy far away... a galaxy of the first season of Apprentice.) if i didn't mention that the content is not really for mass consumption (READ: we crack ourselves up. you? maybe not so much.) but, check it out nonetheless, if only to read what we read. let it be noted that we do read harder, longer ("noted!").  GO GO HARDCOVERS!

thirdly: i'd like to wish myself a happy 26th birthday. hey. it's better than a sharp stick in the eye...OR IS IT???

hoo-WHAT? OH-KAY.

so maybe my "scarier than your dead grandma's decomposed body" halloween costume does make some things ok. i'm sorry i can't be Lil John everyday (YEAGH!), and i'm also sorry i didn't buy Bush Futures yesterday when they were down at $25 (i tried!). then at least i could have had the balm of lucre to soothe my ravaged soul.

Forget "VOTE OR DIE". How about "VOTE AND DIE?"

really. there's nothing i can say to make this better.

Let Me Maki A Statement: you don't like sushi? i don't like you.

I have decided, whether it be fair or not, that i am highly suspicious of people who don't like sushi or think it "icky and weird!" *narrows eyes, stares at you*... i mean, you have to have some criteria to judge people, raw fish seems just about as good as any.

MY DAYS ARE JAM PACKED! JAM PACKED I TELL YOU!*

oh. shit. so. no excuses. let me just say: trading is stressful. and i don't ever want to have to answer the question "HOW'D YOU MISS MY LEVEL IN EUR!!??? I WANTED TO SELL AT 1.2630!!! GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!!!" with "oh, i- well. uhm, yeah, i was posting on my bleg. erm, blog. yeah. sorry." i get yelled at enough. here's a clear example:

yesterday morning i get to work at 6:37am. i am wearing jeans. everyone wears jeans like every day. it's not big deal. the phone rings.
PHONE: riiiiiing.
ME: *yawn* hello?
BOSSMAN: i need you to go to this fancy breakfast for me at 7:30.
ME (to bossers): sure, no problem, i am your slave, i do your bidding. (well, you know what i mean.) to some of the other worker bees oh shit! i'm wearing jeans! how can i go to this breakfast?
CO-WORKER TO WHOM I WAS NOT SPEAKING: that's why i told you to never wear jeans!
ME: what?
C-W T W I W N S: yeah- i told you once i told you a million times! don't wear jeans during the week! no one should wear jeans between monday and thursday!
ME: i mean, i just found out about the breakfas-
CWTWIWNS: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR WEARING DENIM. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET.
ME: Dude. you were wearing jeans yesterday.
CWTWIWNS: ....... oh. yeah. that's just because you wear them.
ME: yeah. thought so.

besides fighting about appropriate business attire, i've done lots of things. i have a new mangled idiom:

MANGLED IDIOT** #457
"I don't want to mess with the status quote"

and went to the race track on a Thursday night and lost $20 on Shewantstobeawinner (yeah right!). i'd have been better off on betting the night on Themostdepressingplace ever and just calling it a wash.

our puppy is still all dewey eyed and cute yet somehow at the same time ferociously scary. i took her for a walk the other night, and right at the bottom of our building is a bakery ("123 Mott street. right above the sunshine bakery...") and there was this HMONGOUS lady sitting on the bench outside pounding a cupcake. and now little ezzy is also a little lazy and sometimes doesn't want to walk, so she'll throw on the breaks and sit in the middle of the sidewalk. so i'm all "c'mon little lady, keep it movin'!" and all of a sudden there's a rumble and a voice emanates from somewhere inside the deuce, deuce-and-a-half "can you please move your dog? i'm afraid of canines." DUDE. this lady could have eating ezzy in one bite, she weighs 6lbs! i was like "yeah, sure" but secretly gave esme a cookie for lollygagging infront of the scaredy-fat for a few more seconds. afraid of canines. unless you're talking about your teeth, take your fears elsewhere.

anyway. the point is: i'm back. and better than before. heya heya. goy-friend's back. or something. the markets can wait, they EUR doesn't move, right?

*scream that in a brit accent. it's funny. trust me.
** please. i meant to do that.

you say debate-o, i say TOMATO.

a few thoughts:

-"i'm the president, i can do whatever i want! i'm going to talk over you moderator and i'm going to invade iraq!"
-wait, i'm confused, DO YOU own a timber company? no really, do you?
-there's more than one internet?! AWESOME.
-i know another person in the audience who makes more than 200k/year... my bossers.
-alex p. keaton shout out at a presidential debate! he'd be so sad it wasn't from the republican...
-"hi, st. louis? we're having a town hall meeting, SEND ALL THE UGLIES."
"hi, this is st. louis. what you just said about out uglies almost made me want to scowl."
-nikki, i know your name. isn't that cool, nikki? foreigners hate you nikki! they even call you nicole!
-wait, what? slavery? dred scott? slavery under propery rights? eli whitney invented the cotton gin! our president knows AP US history! and AP Bio! he said litmus test!
-hee. mr. baldy. hey baldy, over here!
- i don't think it's that simple! SHUT UP PRESIDENT BUSH. smart people see grey areas, not everything's black and white! GAH!!! (flies into irrational rage)
-bwah! he did the right decision? The Decision Does Dallas. and W does the Decision.
-KERRY, READ MY LIPS: DON'T PROMISE NO NEW TAXES.
-are we sure the president has given up his coke habit? he seems to be hopped up on SOMETHING, grinding his teeth every 5seconds. even winking at people in the audience. *snort*

NERDIEST. ARTICLE. EVER.

Science Fans Vote For Their Favorite Physics Equations of all Time.

i think i have to go with my personal favorite, newton's lesser known 5am law: Caff + Eine = Good^2

NFP.

Not Fucking Pretty.
No Free Punch.
Nice Fall, Pal.
Now Fear: President.
Nine - Five, Please!*

NON-FARM PAYROLLS

the employment report came in weak. in a weird turn of events, it came in at the whisper number which was below expectations, but people thought it was going to be below expectations because of the hurricanes in florida, but apparently it was just a bad number, with no weather related "drag". SO. had the number come in at +96k only because of Ivan, Francis, and Jeanne, the market would have rallied. but now the only market rallying is the bond market because people are thinking the Fed will have to pause in the tightening cycle. i feel like i'm a parent on The Peanuts and if i were talking right now no words would be coming out of my mouth, only "WAWAAH WAH WAAWA WAHH +96k WA!"

in other news, my bossers is going to the debate tonight and wants any interesting question to ask... i mean, i'm tempted to tell him to ask "does your town have a hall?" or "what're your thoughts on the Australian Election?"** Laz came up with some good actual questions, anyone have anything they'd want to ask/have someone else ask?

*i have to get to work at 6:30am now!!!!
** it's this weekend, and NECK in NECK, and actually is a pretty interesting race.

Oh, long story, i uhm, had a stroke too. blah blah brain aneurism, yada yada now 2+2=5

[from the Ethicist this week]

Q: "During my senior year of college, I accepted an offer at a high-profile investment bank. Many of my interview questions were mathematical, requiring me to multiply large numbers in my head or analyze financial situations rigorously. Subsequently, I had a stroke (long story) that has severely impaired my ability to do math. I'm struggling with notifying my future employers of this impairment but am worried that they would rescind my offer. What's the right thing to do? Anonymous, Pennsylvania"

A: I'm not sure what a ''high profile'' investment bank is -- one that goes clubbing with glamorous celebrities? In my tiny world, all investment banks are low profile, and all investments are money-losers. But I digress. And weep for my financial future.

If you are now unable to do the job, you should disclose this to your employer, both as a matter of ethics -- it is simple honesty to do so -- and pragmatism: the truth will come out soon enough.

But Judith Conti, an attorney specializing in workplace law, told me: ''If with 'reasonable accommodations' he can do the job, then he absolutely should notify the employer and ask for those accommodations. The Americans With Disabilities Act requires employers to make reasonable accommodations for disabled people so that they can perform their jobs as if they weren't disabled.''

If, for example, by using a calculator you can now do the math you once did in your head, you are entitled to the job.

An employer must take those steps that would allow someone to do the job up to the usual standards. He may not simply fire you or rescind the job offer (which is not to say he will not; that's also where lawyers come in). In this, ''legal'' and ''ethical'' are synonymous.

Conti adds another pertinent fact: employers ''are not required to do anything unless they are asked and properly notified about the disability.'' And so as a matter of ethics and a means of exercising your legal rights, you should inform your new employer of your circumstances."

OH MY GOD. YEAH.

i have a problem. and can't stop

Hwæt!

L'il John Reads Beowulf

Hwæt!

then he takes a siþðan from his goblet and says "yeeeAHHHHHHHHH".