Notes from the Under...stimulated

Best. Google. Search. EVER.

i get a lot of weird google searches leading to this page, but i think this one takes the proverbial cake:

"Fire retarded turtle necks".

i don't know what's more awesome, that someone wrote that, or that it led them here!

oh my. i've missed a lot of web content in the past two months.

but click on the lowculture link to the left. don't do it cause i told you (or because it's awesome), but because if you don't, i'll send this dude after you:

There are trees. and quiet streets. and good cafes. and nice stores in the village.

what they don't tell you is: there are also leaks, couches that don't fit in your apartment, and no one to call, not even ghostbusters. WARNING: i'm not even going to apologise for being such a delinquent poster, i'm getting bored of saying that. i'll write when i have time, goddamnit! i'm too busy packing boxes, moving them 40 blocks and unpacking them! so there.

so yes. we finally moved. say goodbye to broadway and times square and the tourists and Little Shop of Horrors and all the nutjobs that live in the nutjar that is hell's kitchen. if i ever have to return to midtown, it'll be too soon*.

for lack of the discipline to write coherent narrative, i'm reverting to the ever primitive list form:

1. one reason i believe in israel's right to exist: it produces the hottest movers ever. zionism, birthright, canaan, 7 days war, blah blah blah. israeli guys are HOTTT. and they are nice. and fun. and let us ride in the moving truck with them. so what if they don't really speak any english ("you need to put your name on the briefcase for the mailman downstairs" or "yeah, your friend has a really nice plasma"). they are strong and have been in the army. we were very in love with our movers, and the only way we knew how to show our love was to buy them water. and more water. i think we must have bought them a total of 12 bottles of water. we just liked to swoon when they opened it, took a sip and wiped their mediterarian forehead in a gesture of cool, hydrating relief. we almost asked them to come to breakfast with us, then we remembered we were paying them by the hour.

2. it helps to have hot movers because then you don't really care all that much when they can't fit the couch into your apartment. luckily there are People you can call about sofa beds. they come, take the back off the couch, and also take $200 off your back. sweet deal.

3. LOST: one spacious, airconditioned apartment in hell's kitchen. GAINED: one smaller pad with "character". and by character, i mean a LEAK in my bedroom during what apparently is monsoon season in NY! last night i came home and i was all "MAN that rain is loud! oh WAIT! that's cause it's raining IN my ROOM!" there's not really anything funny to say about that. water streaming down your wall is pretty humorless. let's us move on.

4. right now in fact i'm sitting at home while some swarthy man hangs out my window explaining to me how they need to "point the bricks" to fix the problem while i surf the web on some "borrowed" wireless connection (YOINK!). our place is cool, and honestly, it's not really fair to ever bitch about living in the west village, but let me just say this: they better fix that fucking leak BECAUSE I NEVER WANT TO MOVE AGAIN.

5. Bed, Bath and Beyond and IKEA are borne of the same "let me suck the life blood out of your while you shop for necessities" idea. i walked into BBandB a normal, happy, healthy human being. 3 hours later when i resurfaced, i felt like my back was going to break, my mental state had already broken, and if you put an egg poacher in front of me and it was packaged nicely i would have purchased it on the spot. what's another $20???

6. did i mention we don't have airconditioning? WE DON'T HAVE AIRCONDITIONING.

7. did i mention we don't have cable [yet]? WE DON'T HAVE CABLE YET. dodong told me that there's this thing called network tv that you can watch? and not pay for? but i don't believe her. why would they give away stuff for free? plus, who watches anything that's on a network channel?

8. this is where i'd normally try and think of something smart to say about the democratic convention. but since i'm not smart enough to buy bunny ears for my magic box [sic MEB], i'm obviously not smart enough to write about politics.

anyway. i better go make sure this guy fixing my roof understands the difference between temporary solution and permanent one. i guess i shouldn't complain, we had a leak in our old apartment too. and not just "a leak". our floors were leaking. UP. not only did we have severe water damage, but we also defied the laws of gravity. good times!

*except oh wait. i work in midtown. i repeat: TOO SOON!

POTTERY BARN ANNOUNCE RECALL OF BAILEY CHENILLE RUGS

they are in fact made of more baileys than chenille, it would seem. STOP USING THIS RUG IMMEDIATELY. AND DRINK IT.

HEADLINES ON THE MORNING OF THIS, JULY 21, 2004

8:15AM Nuclear arms reportedly found in Iraq
9:02AM IRAQI INTERIOR MINISTRY SAYS REPORTS "STUPID"
9:11AM US SECRETARY OF DEFENSE REJOINDS WITH "YOU'RE STUPID"
9:17AM IRAQI MINISTER SAYS "NO, I'M RUBBER YOU'RE GLUE"
9:18AM "SHUT UP"
9:22AM "YOU SHUT UP!"
9:23AM NOOGIE FIGHT!!!!!!!!!

so. here's the skinny on elton john.

not so skinny.

and, he pronouces 'gala' gay-lah. and then says "knowing me it will be a GAYlah!" best elton john line. ever. second to the award winning lyrics.

and yes, i saw elton john perform the other night. it was for some benefit for juilliard. i went with my boss, three of his siblings, and two other people from work. my boss' family is, uhm, 'fun' [makes drinky-drinky motion with hand]. one brother sat next to me and was wearing eau de jack and coke. in between each song he'd stand up and shout "PIANO MAN! PLAY PIANO MAN!" the hoity-toity benefactors who probably paid a cool grand each for their seats didn't appreciate the humor. and they told him so. like 7 times. at the dinner after the concert, the also got the waiter to sing 'Rocket Man'. at the mic. for the entire dining room. quite a sight to see the 65-yr old, black waiter at the Rainbow Room belting it out, most likely with sir elton john somewhere within earshot. or maybe not, because APPARENTLY some lady insulted EJ on his way in, and he almost didn't attend his own benefit! what could she have said that Eminem already hasn't?!

anyway. i hope ya' don't mind, i hope ya' don't mind, that i wrote down the wooooooords........

Posting at a Turtle's Pace.

First of all, anyone who denies remembering Logo Writer is either lying or not enough of a nerd to have a geek-mate. i loved Logo Writer, and i should have known way back when on my apple II-e that i was destined to go to MIT, even though i was probably better suited then to be a programmer than in 1997. or now.

secondly. while there's been ample fodder for post-age on here [a VEEP! a new job! an imminent apartment move! some lady being so out of shape she had to walk backwards down the stairs to the subway (to which i say, at that point, embrace your laziness and just take a cab)!] i have been delinquent. and i think it may be a pattern. a pattern like this:

forward 40
backwards 22...

Someone from Fresno is Famous. FresnoFamous.

in kind of a hanger-on, not really way, but still.

Kevin Federline, Britney's new "how's your knee, honey? good? good. now get me a 40oz." beau and finance went to Fresno HS with Dodong*. (click on link for HS yearbook photo!) they didn't really know each other, but she thought he was skeezy. and hey. i'd have to agree:

[link via Stereogum]

*Dodong the Tricycle Thief, officially.

of wallets and stuff...
so. i have a lot to say. it's been really busy (the fed raised rates! they were late in their announcement by 183 seconds! i had 183 heart attacks waiting for the announcement! those heart attacks were transitory! only someone who's read the statement will get that last reference! if you don't get it your response will be measured! yay 25bps!) and so i'll start with a numbered list and try and get up to speed thoroughly tomorrow.

1. last friday night i took a cab downtown to my friend's birthday party and when i got to the destination, my wallet was nowhere to be found. i was all "oh fuck. i left my wallet at home" (i could picture it on my coffee table. just sitting there, mocking me) and the cab driver had no sympathy and was like "get out. now." so i was stuck on 27th and 7th with no cash and no ATM and no id even to get into the bar i was dropped off in front of. all turned out ok (thanks, MEB!) except it was apparently a sign of more madness to come as tonight i had dinner on the opposite end of manhattan on the lower east side, took the fucking $12 cab ride home and was like "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. where's my wallet?" this time, the cabbie was all "call the restaurant..." which i did. and they did. have my wallet, that is. so we take the expensive ride BACK to the lower east side and i get my wallet back, and we drive all the fucking way back up town. and that'd be the end of that story, except my cab driver was NOT an indian guy from mumbai tonight, but a 25yr old jew from bethesda. i.e., you or i, basically (HS friends). he decided to go off the beaten path. and onto the asphalt one. we talked about it for the duration of the 45min. driving around manhattan in search of my wallet extravaganza. he'd been on the trans-siberian railroad, worked as a hot-dog vendor in coney island (and liked to say "GET YOUR WEINERS HERE! HOT, STEAMY WEINERS HERE!" to get people's attention) and also lived in madrid. when he asked me what i did, i could only respond "well. at least you understand what it's like to sit on your ass for 12 hours straight. i work at a hedge fund..." let's just say that in the game of "which one of these doesn't belong" dave feederberg will beat out ibiris ibiris (the name of my cab driver from the night prior) any day of the week.

2. i saw Farenheit 9/11. more on that later.

3. last night i went to a reading by David Foster Wallace, one of my, if not The, favorite authors. it was great and not only because he was dressed in all white including white high tops. again, i shall revisit. ALSO: i think i now understand why footnotes appeal to me*.

anyway, i must retire. to all a farewell and goodnight.

*and not because i saw DFW. but because my seeing him made me think about why i like footnotes so much.