Notes from the Under...stimulated

Plastic Fantastic Lover Friends

when i was younger, my dad made us listen to all his old records. all the time. since i'm the oldest, the only real music i knew growing up was what my parents listened to (exemplified the embarrassing fact that my first concert was Carole King. i still know every word to every song on her Tapestry album. I feel the earth move under my feet...) i was obsessed with Hall and Oates "Maneater" and couldn't get enough of the Moody Blues. But my absolute favorite, my obsession (which my father happily fed) was -- wait for it -- Jefferson Airplane. I fucking loved them. I wanted to be Gracie Slick, and i seriously was offended when Jim Carrey did that scene in Cable Guy all those years later. anyway, the point is that Jefferson Airplane is in some way like a weird soundtrack to my childhood, and some of their songs are so much a part of the fabric of my consciousness that i don't even remember that they ARE Jefferson Airplane songs or that everyone might not know them.

so fast forward from the flower power of the 60s to the weirdness of my childhood in the 80s to present day '04s and the finale of Friends, which i felt obligated to watch even though i haven't seen the show in ages, eons even. and so ross rachel twins joey monica looks like she's wearing a fat suit blah blah blah ROLL CREDITS and cue up the last song ever on the show whose theme is by the freaking REMBRANDTS.... and this song starts playing and i'm humming along, and then i realise: no one else seems to know this song! why do i know every strum and chord and finger pluck, and why is this song causing flashbacks of my childhood???-- wait, is that? no. it can't be, on the finale of Friends? The least hippie-est show ever [and NO. Pheobe is so NOT a hippie. she's just weird]? Embryonic Journey the 1:53 second in between tracks Jefferson Airplane song from the Surrealistic Pillow album?

and then i did something i never thought i'd do. i called my father and when he answered the phone i blurted out: "did you just watch he last episode of Friends?"
HE: silence "so. did you quit your job?"

but unlike my dad who missed the song, i'm going to post it here for you all to re-hear (right click and "save target as" if just clicking on the link doesn't work) without it being overwhelmed by the debate on whether those were real babies monica and chandler where holding one minute, then just NOT the next when they had to put their keys down. so enjoy it my friends (heh). and please don't think of Monica, Chandler, Ross, Rachel and Phoebe when listening to it, and if you do need to think of something, picture a much younger me in the back of a 1980 peugot singing along to White Rabbit. and then understand why sometimes i'm a mite weird*.
Jefferson Airplane - Embryonic Journey

UPDATE: i fixed the file so that's it's permissioned to be downloaded. or something. now it plays. i think.

*my dad also used to do this thing where he'd make us sit in our den and he'd play every version of a song ever recorded. so we could understand the "different interpretations". one experience that gives me nightmares STILL is me and my sisters being sequestered in there with him and about four different recordings of Eleanor Rigby. all the lonely people, where do they all come from... *shudder*

Why? SEARCH ME.

for some reason that 16-yr old red headed kid from American Idol WAS JUST ON OUR TRADING FLOOR? WITH HIS MOM? dude. this fucking place gets weirder and weirder with every. passing. second.

WHOA. Why sometimes reality ain't so great.

Mary-Ellis Bunim, Co-Creator of Real World and Road Rules Dies.

Ohmigod, OHMIGOD! (Only on Fox)
DWARF DATE SHOW SPARKS CONTROVERSY

"While some audiences may snicker at the spectacle of a dozen dwarf women competing with average-sized females for the affections of a 4-foot-5-inch bachelor..." deep breaths. deep breaths. while i think the dwarf association that has been trailing me for years is running on low power lately (what do you expect in this economy?) i don't doubt their tenacity. they're just regrouping. and now-- maybe they're watching me through the telescreen? this show should be called realitytvcrime!

On the same topic, my mom said this to me the other day:
"Have you seen the movie The Station Agent? The dwarf in that was sexy!" (ME: Unable to believe my ears) and then to make matters WORSE, in the very next breath she went on to say "didn't Jude Law look weird the other night at the Golden Globes?"

and that's when the existence (Jude shout out: eXistenZ) of a veritable bizarro world was proven to me. and i just closed my eyes and hoped that i'd wake up soon.

You know you watch too much TV when... (or, a sporadic recap of last night's television)

- you thought the annoucer said "my big fat obnoxious beyonce" instead of "my big fat obnoxious finance" AND neither show title makes you blink.
- you don't question whether the Simpson's made a "For Esme, With Love and Squalor" shout out and accept that Thomas Pynchon was on the show, but DO think "WHOA- when'd Marge get a computer???"
- you think the reference to eating whale meat is DEFINITELY a shout out to you. they must read this blog.
- homer saying "distracted is a really weird word, does anyone ever get tracted?" actually makes you wonder.
- you can appreciate Angels in America winning all the awards at the Golden Globes because you saw ALL SIX HOURS of the series.
- you feel genuine, and heart wrenching, sympathy for Mary-Louise Parker and her single mother'd self. and those pechugas SURE had milk in them!
- keanu reeves- can he read a teleprompter? not really, why do you ask?
- you think that meryl streep might be talking to you when she says she doesn't "think our two biggest problems in america are too many people wanting to commit their lives together 'til death do us part and steriods in sports." she must be reading this site too.
- seeing ellen burstyn automatically makes you shout "JUICE ME SARA!"
- you wonder aloud (when the camera repeatedly pans over the SATC table) "is miranda wearing extensions?"
- you assume everyone hates Ashton as much as you do.
- Rene, we're happy that your happy, but that dress and hair? NOT so happy.
- Bill Murray! i lurve you!
- you think "24 beats 6-feet under? that's wrong for 18 different reasons."
- The Office winning makes you clap. YAY!!!! Ricky gervais won! i so totally didn't think he was going to win! i don't give the foreign press enough credit!
- danny devito is SO short it's freaky, and the Cecil B. DeMille award presentation is so long it's boring.
- Curb Your Enthsiasm interlude: i'm totally going to call people Funkausers from now on.
- Fergie: man or woman?

you know you post too often when... (or, someone shoot me please. foot, eye, who cares, just do it already!)
- this is the third [vaguely boring, even to you] post before noon.

Burrrrrka, it's cold out there...
so. i'm not sure if you all watch Curb Your Enthusiasm. if not, as background, here's a brief summary of one of the plot lines from the most recent episode:

Larry David has to desperately use the bathroom. The only person who will let him into her house is a fully decked-out islamic fundamentalist woman. (best line: Larry, "I'm out of gas." Muslim, "Oh, no problem, I have a refinery in the back. Oh. I am just to be joking with you. Ha.") They become friends, Larry and Ashook. He spills tuna fish on her burka. He makes his wife wear it to a Halloween party. He tries to set this lady up with his blind friend.

it was a funny plot line, and the visual of Larry David having Deli in a diner with 4 retarded people and an islamic fundamentalist was perfect. Anyway. last night, i was in a cab with maddy and her friend rachel, and we're driving along, and Rachel was all "did you guys watch Curb the other night?" to which i responded, "yes. it was hilarious when he befriended that (and right then i then spied the cab driver's name plate. Mohammed Mohammed, and i thus chose my words carefully...) that lady. with her attire..."
MADDY: YEAH! THE BURKA! (i nudge maddy and suggest with my eyebrows that perhaps this is an inappropriate venue to be recounting the plot. she giggles in agreement. i think the conversation is over, and there's a pause before...)
RACHEL: Yeah, she wore that BURKA! and then he made his wife wear the BURKA! and dress like an ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALIST for halloween! in the BURKA!

it was like i was in an episode of Charlie Brown and instead of the adults saying "Whah whah wha wha" all they would say was "Burka burka burka. bur. ka. BURKA!" maddy and i kept sliding down the seat while laughing uncontrollably. I think I saw poor mohammed flinch with every subsequent “BURKA!” In a concerted effort to change the subject i shifted gears into another semi-racist topic of conversation, namely "how do you think the entirely black staff at the movie theater felt when all the White Men had MLK day off and were being served popcorn by their concession stand indentured servants?" luckily the cab ride ended before we had time to slander and other race, religion, or creed. Sometimes I think maybe I shouldn’t be allowed out of the house.

Burka.

so fine. i watch Sex and the City.

AND i have a question about it: last night MIRANDA HOBBES married STEVE BRADY, and their son's name is *ahem* BRADY BRADY? what?

it's so not a good feeling to be watching SATC and be all "huh? i'm confus-ed."

PS best quote ever about some of carrie's outfits from TVWoP : Carrie is in a taupe velvet coat and blue blouse and purple flouncy prairie skirt (barf) and...pink ankle boots? It's like Stevie Nicks ate Prince, then barfed him up in the Little House on the Prairie. Then Laura Ingalls and Davy Jones had a monster baby and raised it in the dark, dressed it, and sent it out to the park to have a walk with Baryshnikov.

She's a Rich Girl (TM) but she's gone too far and she know it don't matter anyway...

well. i get a multitude of hits on this site from people who have searched for "Jaime Gleicher" or "Jaime Gleicher & Barnard" or even "Jaime Gleicher & Camp Robindel." I have two things to say: a) i wish that she'd stop following my sisters around (one goes to barnard and two were at camp with her when she was there) b) i feel a little bit badly about these pictures i am going to post, BUT NOT BADLY ENOUGH TO STOP ME! hee!

We've all had our awkward stages, some worse than others. Luckily, most of us don't produce our own show for MTV. Jaime, however, has done. both. (had a WHOA AWKWARD! stage and produced a show). As such she has landed herself squarely (heh) in the public eye. The other day, my sister called me and was like "Oh. My. God. i found the funniest pictures of Jaime Gleicher at camp!" and while i don't normally believe her when she deems things funny, this time she was right. the humor of it even resulted in my little cousin cracking wise: "in one of the pictures she's wearing a wonder bread shirt, and i'm all 'what'd she do, eat four loafs???'"

anyway, without further ado, here's Jaime Gleicher of Rich Girls fame, circa 1996, courtesy the Camp Robindel year book - apologies, had to take pictures, no access to a scanner.
(click on them to see a larger image: photo one is pre-social, photo two is her bunk, Maple. I was in that bunk. M-A-P-L-E Maple's got UNITY, go MAPLE *gasp* FOURTEEN YEARS AGO)

An Open Letter:

Dear Cotton,

I watch a lot of TV. A whole lot, in fact. I am telling you this not so that you can appreciate how I spend my down time, but to justify my claim that I am a qualified arbiter of television, including on-air advertising, and believe I represent the viewing public honorably. I also believe that you are guilty on two TV-related counts: false and unnecessary advertising.

First let’s discuss the verity of your ads. At first your ads were misleading, as I wasn’t sure what the commercial was for (later, the conditioning mechanism kicked in and I automatically started to groan when your ad aired). “Why are all these office people so happy? Why are women and men of all ages dancing like that? Pray tell; I’d like to own this product!” Then comes your slogan, one I know well as you’ve paid for quite a bit of airtime, “The touch, the feel of cotton. The fabric of our lives.” Cotton, you’re making these people shake their booty because of how you feel to the touch? Really? The touch, the feel of silk: maybe. The touch, the feel of velour? OK if you’re cheesy or into those Juicy sweat outfits. Satin, yes. Velvet, yep. Cashmere, oooh, definitely. But cotton? Unless you’re talking about 250 count Egyptian cotton linens, I’m not that impressed. And even then, not so much. Cotton is for camp uniforms. And tube socks. And undershirts. I mean, I’ll give you that you’re not an offensive fabric (hey, as you say, you’re “the fabric of our lives”); you’re all natural, and that’s definitely something. Maybe you should play up that angle more? It seems to have worked for the organic food industry. I just don’t think a) that the people in your ads are wearing all cotton anyway and b) even if they are, that they’re moved to dance because of it. Don’t treat me like your five-year-old nephew who you think will probably have to go to a private school for “special” (READ: slow) kids because he thinks that cotton is edible (sucks, literally, for you, yeah?). I don’t buy it.

But beyond that, can I address a broader issue? Who are you targeting with these ads and what are they supposed to motivate us to do? There’s no “cotton” store in my neighborhood. I just don’t get it. I mean, I realize that you may have to combat the negative psychological effects that shrinkage may wreak, but a lot of times your products are pre-shrunk, so that’s not really an issue. I also concede that, however minimally at this late date in the 21st century, you are still potentially associated with slavery in America, and this is a stigma that’s not easily shed. Maybe your multi-racial dance ad is subconsciously trying to address this issue. I will have you know, however, that a recent survey found that Eli Whitney is among the most highly recognized historical figures in America (note to self: this is rather disturbing. Must write a letter to the mayor about the state of the American public school system), and he and the cotton gin go hand in hand with innovation and progress in this nation. Eli Whitney single handedly did more for the cotton industry than any number of non sequitur ads could ever hope to accomplish; there’s no shame in riding on his [100% cotton] coattails. Additionally, you don’t really have much competition in your staple markets (I don’t think acrylic/leather/pleather undergarments are going to be popular for mainstream America any time soon), and I’m not convinced that your advertising scheme is increasing sales even modestly. I’m no marketing specialist (marketologist?), but I think the most effective tack you could take at this juncture would be to pull your ads from the airwaves, pocket the cash, and rely on your consumers to see this as a benevolent gesture and continue in their habitual purchase of undergarments and preshrunk college sweatshirts. The touch and the feel of the TV programming line-up would be much smoother, as would be the fabric of my mind.

Best regards,
LG

hee! the funniest-because-it's-true thing i have read all day (about Jamie Gleicher of Rich Girls)

She is a tragic little troll.